Dear Abby, my family never talks. How do I stop the yelling?

Anonymous

Family is the most important pillar in all our lives since they give us unconditional love though at times this is not the case as they cause as pain. Communication is the key thing when it comes to any relationship especially in families. So it is important to make sure that you water this relationship and treasure the value of each member of your family.

Finding a mode of communication with all your family members is important. One method you can use is conflict management via negotiation. Since the problem is with all members of the family, you can have a third party, to help with the negotiation. This might a person that even your parents look up to and respect and also the kids know the person. If you can find a relative that relates well with all of you it will be more helpful. It is important that the negotiator is not bias and does not take sides. A family counselor might also be assistance.

During the negotiation, the first thing is to accept that there is a problem. Ensure that you do not blame each other but rather each one of you should accept you faults. After noting the problems is important you come up with your different expectations from each other, ensuring that you don’t judge. The details are important so even the minor things should be listed out of all the acceptable and unacceptable things. This will help prevent minor crisis in the house. Also set apart some time for you to reconnect and do activities that you all love or enjoyed. Make sure that you listen to each other.

During your sessions or family meetings, it is important that you practice empathetic listening. This means that you should try not to be defensive or offensive or criticize or blame.  Every two people have two different views, this is called the separate-reality phenomenon. So most of the time you might disagree or have difference of opinions so it is important that before any of you acts out you should listen to the other persons point of view and work towards a solution that is beneficial to all of you. This will reduce the conflicts and yelling as you will be able to communicate better.

All this will fail if there is no acknowledgement. Acknowledgement in this case means that you all accept that there is a problem with your family.  If any member does not see the problem, then it will be hard for them to work toward solving the issue. It is possible to solve your problems if you are in. After war comes peace, so every person must name the things that might have led to the fall out. Rebuilding broken relationships is very hard and it takes time, so you must all be patient. Acceptance of the other person’s weaknesses and short comings might also close the rift.  If any member is unresponsive or starts up feuds, it’s important that you reassure them that you understand them and that you will stand by him.

Family conflicts can last for years if not solved when there is time. It is important that you follow the mantra: Accept, Listen and Associate, and I think your feud will be solved

All the best, Abby